Strategies for Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Person

Shifting Blame

Someone with passive-aggressiveness rarely takes responsibility for their actions. If they don't blame you for what happened, they will blame their teacher, boss, a family member, friend, or even the weather.

A passive-aggressive person cannot accept that they are at fault. If something happens, it has to be a result of someone or something else. They engage in minimization and victim-blaming regularly.

Someone who uses passive-aggressive behaviours to bully others typically believes that they are being held to unreasonable standards when confronted.

Mixed Messages

Another common passive-aggressive behaviour is that when the person is asked to do something they don't want to do, instead of saying no, they say yes. They feel resentment just from being asked, but they hide this emotion and do it anyway.

To relieve some of their resentment, they may give the person who made the request the silent treatment. Or, they may talk about the person and even spread rumours or gossip. Other times, they may simply never follow through with what was requested.

Suppressing Anger

Passive-aggressive people rarely show anger. Instead, they stuff it down inside.

They may even appear happy and accommodating on the outside but will act on their pent-up anger, taking it out on others in a behind-the-scenes way. By taking this approach, they can let out some of their hostility without ever having to admit that they are upset.

Victim Mentality

A person with passive-aggressive tendencies often feels as if they've been treated unfairly or that they've been taken advantage of. Because of these feelings, it is not uncommon for them to have a victim mentality.

Someone acting as a passive-aggressive bully doesn't see themselves as the bully in the situation. In their mind, the other person is the one who is bullying them.

Poor Boundaries

It's also common for someone with passive-aggressiveness to lack boundaries. At the same time, they gravitate toward others who have the same type of boundary issues, often focusing on people who are conflict-averse and people-pleasing.

This type of person typically won't address the passive-aggressive actions being taken against them. They also won't hold a person with these behaviours accountable for their actions.

Passive-Aggressive CyclesPassive aggressiveness can often lead to cycles of conflict that create problems in relationships. In such cases, an individual may engage in passive-aggressive behaviour to force the other person to respond, which may then be met with more direct anger or aggression. This pattern can lead to cycles of overt hostility followed by withdrawal periods.

How to Deal With

If you have someone who you consider a passive-aggressive bully in your life, you can take steps to protect yourself. Here are a few options to consider.

Recognize That You Did Nothing Wrong

It's not uncommon for the recipient of passive-aggressive behaviours to feel that they are a bad person or deserving of poor treatment. "Many rationalize their mistreatment by believing that they somehow did something worthy of the behaviour they are receiving.

Over time, this can have many negative effects, including eroded self-esteem, reduced productivity, and damaged relationships. One of the first steps you can take when dealing with a passive-aggressive person is to recognize that you don't deserve their poor treatment.

Set Boundaries

"To overcome passive-aggressive bullying, it is important to set boundaries when you’re feeling violated," says Romanoff. "Folks who get targeted often have difficulty with being assertive and affirmative, which is a similar challenge for those who resort to passive-aggressive bullying – creating a vicious cycle."

Setting boundaries can help stop this cycle. How? "These are often subtle moments, "like when someone inquires too deeply, you can pause and think about how you want to respond instead of allowing them to violate your boundaries."

Address the Behaviors

Passive-aggressiveness involves avoiding discussions about issues that may be troubling the individual. Bringing attention to their behaviors can help make these issues more visible. It also shows your readiness to hold the person accountable, which can help break the passive-aggressive cycle.

Addressing someone with passive-aggressive behaviors at work, school, or home requires honesty. Clearly express how their behaviors impact you and how they make you feel.

When confronted, the person might make inappropriate comments and mumble under their breath. Do not let their hostility and inappropriate actions deter you from addressing their behaviors. It is crucial to call out the behavior without apologizing.

Be Direct

When dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive, be assertive and clear about your expectations. This helps establish your boundaries. It also reduces the risk of any miscommunication about what you want or need in the relationship.

Another benefit of directness is that it holds the person accountable for their actions. It tells them that you recognize what they are doing and that you're not going to allow them to engage in those behaviours when interacting with you.

Control Your Response

Focus on staying calm. Keep your voice neutral and hold your emotions in check. The less you react to a person's passive-aggressive actions, the less control they have over you.

Remember that although you can't prevent someone who is passive-aggressive from slamming doors or sulking, you can manage your reaction. Opt to respond healthily to their unhealthy behaviors to help prevent them from becoming