Relationships, Boundaries And The Power Of Saying ‘No’

The greatest way to nourish your heart is to discover the power and beauty of honouring your own boundaries. To do this well, you have to be clear enough in your own awareness to know who you really are and what you truly want. Have you ever said yes to someone when it was really a no? It doesn’t feel good. When we abandon ourselves like that we tend to retract a little from the world. Our spirit pulls back, we are likely to resent the person that has asked us and we lose faith in ourselves a little bit. In some small we have betrayed ourselves and the knock on affect overtime means we are not fully safe or self-expressed.

That is why there is great beauty to be found in deepening your capacity to lovingly say “no”. By being clear about what feels good and right for you at the moment is a fundamental part of loving yourself and living a life that feels good. This means it is likely you will be able to trust yourself more and it also means that other people will feel a greater depth of confidence from you. When we can manage our own boundaries more clearly people begin to trust us more. If there is someone in your life who always says yes and is always willing to do anything for you, there will be some wise part of you that knows that you don’t really know where you stand with that person. You can feel their willingness to betray themselves to “please” you. They think they are being generous and kind but it feels more like they are trying to win or buy our affections. That isn’t authenticity and it doesn’t feel good.

When we are clear about what we want and we can relax into our right to protect our boundaries, each “no” is an act of self-love. That means in contrast that when we say yes, we can be fully there, heart open, happy and generously giving of ourselves. This is a real gift worth sharing. The more we love ourselves the more loving we can be with others when they ask us to do something and the answer is no. When we are guilt free the whole exchange can be breezy. That makes asking you really easy. There is no heaviness or awkwardness.

When we can say “no” with love in our hearts for ourselves and the other, our “no” is often met with peace.

When we feel guilty, embarrassed or groundless in our right to say no, people are more likely to feel let down. They will feel the negativity and are more likely to think that you are “wrong” not to say yes. The more relaxed we get within our boundaries the more people trust and respect us.

Unapologetic authenticity is the key to freedom.

When we can be ourselves completely without fear of how our truth will upset others, we begin to operate with a kind of loving serenity that people find most appealing. We are relaxed about our “no” and deeply committed to our “yes” but more than that, we are deeply at peace with ourselves. From this place, we are much more comfortable asking for our needs to be met and we are much more relaxed around other people when they are asking us to meet their needs. When we are caught in people pleasing, every interaction involves the possibility of being overwhelmed or overstretched. When we drop that, our system trusts us more and we can engage more fully with the world. Relationships can deepen without threatening our identity and so that means we can open our hearts much wider than before. We can truly let life and love in.

It is a worthwhile endeavour to connect with yourself and recognise when you may have said yes when you really meant no. Check in with yourself and apologise to yourself for letting yourself down. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Sometimes we don’t even realise that we have transgressed our boundaries until the event has passed. With awareness the gap between what you want and what you are aware of needing will shorten. Ideally you will be so in touch with yourself in each and every moment that you will protect and love yourself with all of your choices all of the time.

So, yes apologise to yourself if you haven’t always been there for yourself and make commitments to start honouring your boundaries in all of your interactions.

This is the best way to nourish your heart and bring your life back into balance.