Relationship Anxiety What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
Relationships can be one of the most pleasurable things on the planet… but they can also be a breeding ground for anxious thoughts and feelings. Relationship anxiety can arise at pretty much any stage of courtship. For many single people, just the thought of being in a relationship can stir up stress. If and when people do start dating, the early stages can present them with endless worries: “Does he/she like me?” “Will this work out?” “How serious is this?” Unfortunately, these worries don’t tend to subside in the later stages of a romantic union. As things get closer between a couple, anxiety can get even more intense. Thoughts come flooding in like: “Can this last?” “Do I like him/her?” “Should we slow down?” “Am I ready for this kind of commitment?” “Is he/she losing interest?”
All this worrying about our relationships can make us feel pretty alone. It can lead us to create distance between ourselves and our partners. At its worst, our anxiety can even push us to give up on love altogether. Learning more about the causes and effects of relationship anxiety can help us to identify the negative thinking and actions that can sabotage our love lives. How can we keep our anxiety in check and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to someone we love?
What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
Put simply, falling in love challenges us in numerous ways we don’t expect. The more we value someone else, the more we stand to lose. On many levels, both conscious and unconscious, we become scared of being hurt. To a certain degree, we all possess a fear of intimacy. Ironically, this fear often arises when we are getting exactly what we want when we’re experiencing love as we never have or being treated in unfamiliar ways.
As we get into a relationship, it isn’t just the things that go on between us and our partner that make us anxious.; it’s the things we tell ourselves about what’s going on. The “critical inner voice” is a term used to describe the mean coach we all have in our heads that criticizes us, feeds us bad advice and fuels our fear of intimacy. It’s the one that tells us:
“You’re too ugly/fat/boring to keep his/her interest.”
“You’ll never meet anyone, so why even try?”
“You can’t trust him. He’s looking for someone better.”
“She doesn’t love you. Get out before you get hurt.”
This critical inner voice makes us turn against ourselves and the people close to us. It can promote hostile, paranoid and suspicious thinking that lowers our self-esteem and drives unhealthy levels of distrust, defensiveness, jealousy and anxiety. It feeds us a consistent stream of thoughts that undermine our happiness and make us worry about our relationship, rather than just enjoying it.
When we get in our heads, focusing on these worried thoughts, we become incredibly distracted from real relating with our partner. We may start to act out in destructive ways, making nasty comments or becoming childish or parental toward our significant other. For example, imagine your partner staying at work late one night. Sitting home alone, your inner critic starts telling you, “Where is she? Can you believe her? She probably prefers being away from you. She’s trying to avoid you. She doesn’t even love you anymore.” These thoughts can snowball in your mind until, by the time your partner gets home, you’re feeling insecure, furious or paranoid. You may act angry or cold, which then sets your partner off to feel frustrated and defensive. Pretty soon, you’ve completely shifted the dynamic between you. Instead of enjoying the time you have together, you may waste an entire night feeling withdrawn and upset with each other. You’ve now effectively forced the distance you initially feared. The culprit behind this self-fulfilling prophecy isn’t the situation itself. It’s that critical inner voice that coloured your thinking, distorted your perceptions, and ultimately, led you down a destructive path.
When it comes to all of the things we worry about in relationships, we are much more resilient than we think. In truth, we can handle the hurts and rejections that we so fear. We can experience pain, and eventually, heal. However, our critical inner voice tends to terrorize and catastrophize reality. It can rouse serious spells of anxiety about dynamics that don’t exist and threats that aren’t even tangible. Even when real things are going on, someone breaks up with us or feels an interest in someone else, our critical inner voice will tear us apart in ways we don’t deserve. It will completely distort reality and undermine our strength and resilience. It’s that cynical roommate that always gives bad advice. “You can’t survive this. Just put your guard up and never be vulnerable to anyone else.”
The defences we form and critical voices we hear are based on our own unique experiences and adaptations. When we feel anxious or insecure, some of us tend to become clingy and desperate in our actions. We may feel possessive or controlling toward our partner in response. Conversely, some of us will feel easily intruded on in our relationships. We may retreat from our partners, and detach from our feelings of desire. We may act out by being aloof, distant or guarded. These patterns of relating can come from our early attachment styles. Our attachment pattern is established in our childhood attachments and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood. It influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. Different attachment styles can lead us to experience different levels of relationship anxiety. You can learn more about what your attachment style is and how it impacts your romantic relationships here.
What Thoughts Perpetuate Relationship Anxiety?
The specific critical inner voices we have about ourselves, our partners and our relationships are formed out of early attitudes we were exposed to in our family or society at large. Sexual stereotypes, as well as attitudes that our influential caretakers had toward themselves and others, can infiltrate our point of view and shade our current perceptions. While everyone’s inner critic is different, some common critical inner voices include:
Critical Inner Voices about the Relationship
People just wind up getting hurt.
Relationships never work out.
Voices about Your Partner
Men are so insensitive, unreliable, and selfish.
Women are so fragile, needy, and indirect.
He only cares about being with his friends.
Why get so excited? What’s so great about her anyway?
He’s probably cheating on you.
You can’t trust her.
He just can’t get anything right.
Voices about Yourself
You’re never going to find another person who understands you.
Don’t get too hooked on her.
He doesn’t care about you.
She is too good for you.
You’ve got to keep him interested.
You’re better off on your own.
As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
You’ve got to be in control.
It’s your fault if he gets upset.
Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt.
How Does Relationship Anxiety Affect Us?
As we shed light on our past, we quickly realize many early influences have shaped our attachment patterns, our psychological defences and our critical inner voice. All of these factors contribute to our relationship anxiety and can lead us to sabotage our love lives in many ways. Listening to our inner critic and giving in to this anxiety can result in the following actions:
Cling – When we feel anxious, our tendency may be to act desperate toward our partner. We may stop feeling like the independent, strong people we were when we entered the relationship. As a result, we may find ourselves falling apart easily, acting jealous or insecure or no longer engaging in independent activities.
Control – When we feel threatened, we may attempt to dominate or control our partner. We may set rules about what they can and can’t do just to alleviate our feelings of insecurity or anxiousness. This behaviour can alienate our partner and breed resentment.
Reject – If we feel worried about our relationship, one defence we may turn to is his aloofness. We may become cold or rejected to protect ourselves or to beat our partner to the punch. These actions can be subtle or overt, yet it is almost always a sure way to force distance or stir up insecurity in our partner.
Withhold – Sometimes, as opposed to explicit rejection, we tend to withhold from our partner when we feel anxious or afraid. Perhaps things have gotten close, and we feel stirred up, so we retreat. We hold back little affection or give up on some aspects of our relationship altogether. Withholding may seem like a passive act, but it is one of the quietest killers of passion and attraction in a relationship.
Punish – Sometimes, our response to our anxiety is more aggressive, and we punish, taking our feelings out on our partner. We may yell and scream or give our partner the cold shoulder. It’s important to pay attention to how much our actions are a response to our partner and how much are they a response to our critical inner voice.
Retreat – When we feel scared in a relationship, we may give up real acts of love and intimacy and retreat into a “fantasy bond.” A fantasy bond is an illusion of connection that replaces real acts of love. In this state of fantasy, we focus on form over substance. We may stay in the relationship to feel secure but give up on the vital parts of relating. In a fantasy bond, we often engage in many of the destructive behaviours mentioned above as a means to create distance and defend ourselves against the anxiety that naturally comes with feeling free and in love. Learn more about the fantasy bond here.
How Can I Overcome Relationship Anxiety?
To overcome, relationship anxiety, we must shift our focus inward. We have to look at what’s going on inside us, separate from our partner or the relationship. What critical inner voices are exacerbating our fears? What defences do we possess that could be creating distance? This process of self-discovery can be a vital step in understanding the feelings that drive our behaviour, and ultimately, shape our relationship. By looking into our past, we can gain better insight into where these feelings come from. What caused us to feel insecure or turned on ourselves about love? You can start this journey for yourself by learning more about the fear of intimacy and how to identify and overcome your critical inner voice.
