How To Cope With An Insecure Attachment Definition

The intimate relationships we establish as adults have roots that run very deep. Linking back to our earliest connections from both infancy and childhood, attachments to other adults mimic how we were once tethered to parents. When these early caregiver connections don't form properly, insecure attachments can be formed. Like weights in a hiker's backpack, these unhealthy attachments weigh us down and stop us from reaching relationship peaks.

So, what, if anything, can a person with an insecure attachment do? After all, we can't go back and relive childhoods. But there are ways to drop the bulk. The process starts with knowledge, moves through specific means of coping, and ends with healing through attachment change. In this article, we will focus on the middle portion: how to cope with an insecure attachment. But first, let's set the background for how attachment issues develop in the first place.

Insecure Attachment Definition

An insecure attachment can be defined as a bond formed between parent and child that lacks consistency and full trust. Parents who are unreliable or inconsistent when meeting their child's needs for safety and security raise children who grow into adults with insecure attachment issues.

For example, a mother who is unavailable to meet her child's needs or who is rejecting and cold creates a bond that may lead the child to avoid emotional intimacy as an adult. A child whose mother was inconsistent (providing security sometimes but not other times) will potentially mature into an adult who is anxious and overly clingy. This is very different from the way a securely attached child or adult responds to intimacy.

When you compare people who had secure attachments to their caregivers with those with insecure attachments, what you see will likely mirror day and night. Securely attached adults can function in happy, healthy relationships. They seek intimacy, are open and willing partners, they can trust and be trusted by others. This isn't to say those with secure attachments won't have problems in their marriages. But because of their positive outlooks, strong relationship role models, and healthy self-esteem, they can usually work through these issues and build secure emotional ties.

Those with insecure attachment patterns often don't fare so well. Some are overly attached, and

unable to function individually. Others avoid relationships with others altogether. Some are abusive and carry out their past pain in current partnerships. Insecure attachment in adults usually presents itself in one of three specific ways:

1. Insecure Preoccupied Attachment (AKA insecure uncertain attachment)

2. Insecure Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment (AKA insecure resistant attachment)

3. Insecure Disorganized Attachment

This chart, created by the Believe Perform, shows the ways that each type differs in both response and overall personality.

Those with an avoidant attachment type are distant and don't connect well emotionally since they learned during childhood that their emotional needs are unlikely to be met. Those with an ambivalent attachment style are anxious and insecure, craving love but fearing that they may never secure the emotional connection they so desperately desire. Adults who develop a disorganized attachment style during childhood often end up angry and depressed because of the trauma and fear they experienced in their early years. Although they crave security, their behaviour is often seen as chaotic and explosive.

Coping Mechanisms For Insecure Attachment Styles

Because these three different insecure attachment styles differ so much in the way they present themselves, there isn't a "cover-all" solution for coping with insecure attachment. However, the insecure attachment doesn't have to last a lifetime. There are ways to cope with the hand you've been dealt while moving towards emotional healing.

Increase Self-Love

Finding ways to love yourself and believe in your abilities truly is one of the best ways to cope with (and heal) insecure attachment issues. Though it isn't an easy task, increasing feelings of self-worth will allow you to become your own best caretaker. This can lead to earned security. Ways to increase self-love and begin the process of replacing insecure feelings with reassurance include:

1. Taking Care Of Yourself. People with insecure attachment, especially anxious styles, tend to focus outwardly instead of inwardly. It's good to focus on your relationships with others, but when these connections take priority over self-care, serious issues can emerge. One way to cope with insecurities and increase self-worth is to give yourself the love you desire(d) from your parents as a child and your partner as an adult. Invest your money and time into making yourself happy. Go shopping for a new outfit, start a new hobby, or take a trip somewhere. The sky is the limit, as long as it is healthy and makes you feel better about yourself.

Practice Gratitude Towards Yourself. Most adults learned the importance of gratitude towards others as children. We say "thank you" and "please," give gifts of appreciation, and can express thankfulness to those who make lives better in different ways. But how many times over the past few weeks or months have you practised gratitude towards yourself? For many, the concept may be unfamiliar. But it's important to remember that you are a valid and worthy soul with much to give. Instead of focusing on all the things that you see as wrong with you, why not hone in on all the things you do right and the things you like about yourself?

3. Set Boundaries With Others. A good gauge for how much self-love is in someone's tank is found in the way they allow others to treat them. While increasing self-esteem is a somewhat individual process, it's important to set boundaries with others around you. If you find yourself people-pleasing and saying 'yes' when you mean 'no,' boundaries are needed. Your therapist can aid in this process, but the first steps can be taken on your own.