Healing Abandonment Issues and Fear of Rejection

Abandonment issues is a term used to describe a fear or anxiety surrounding rejection or loneliness. It’s one of the most common and universal fears I see in my clients. When people struggle with fear of abandonment, it can negatively affect their decisions and actions. Many of my clients don’t realise that this is what’s troubling them. Often it manifests as something else – arguments in relationships, jealousy, low confidence, procrastination, and emotional unavailability – these are just a few examples.

The key is understanding this fear within yourself, processing it and overcoming it so that it doesn’t hold you back any longer.

The Psychology Behind Fearing Abandonment

To be with others is a common, although not universal, desire. Loneliness can be difficult and emotionally draining. However, a fear of abandonment is more about fearing the possibility of future loneliness even whilst you are with others. For example, being in a relationship whilst simultaneously being obsessed with the idea that they will leave you.

Fear of abandonment is completely natural. In the evolutionary past, being accepted by social groups was integral to survival. Humans were much safer and more successful living in groups. Being ostracised by this group could have dire consequences for an individual. This isn’t as true now, but still most humans crave acceptance and company. However, we need to make sure that our minds realise the consequences of being rejected are not what they used to be. Rejection can sometimes be a good thing.

What Causes Abandonment Issues?

Early childhood issues are one of the biggest contributors to adults’ abandonment issues. Traumatic events such as parents’ divorce, death or poor care can all contribute. There’s physical abandonment like death or divorce, but also emotional abandonment which is a bit more complex. This tends to happen when parents discourage emotional expression, ridicule the child, put too much pressure on them or treat them like a peer. When parents fail to provide a child with consistent attention and comfort they can become stressed, anxious and fearful.

Another cause of abandonment issues can be the loss of a partner through death, a painful breakup or infidelity.

Attachment Styles

When talking about abandonment issues many people refer to different types of attachment styles. There are three insecure attachment styles which are relevant. You may recognise one or more in yourself or a partner.

Avoidant Attachment

The first is an avoidant attachment style where people simply avoid letting anyone get close to them. These people may be described as emotionally distant, withdrawn or private. Often this is just a defence against putting themselves in a position where they may have to face loss again.

Anxious Attachment

These people tend to develop extremely intense and close relationships with a partner and become anxious at any type of separation. Small conflicts are automatically blown out of proportion and seen as a warning sign that the other person may leave. A partner may feel like they have to constantly reassure the person or ‘tread on eggshells’ all the time.

Disorganised Attachment

These people are often inconsistent, wanting closeness but also having problems with intimacy. They may often appear to be on edge and unsure how to act.

What Are You Afraid Of?

It’s completely natural to fear being alone. Sometimes we think we don’t want to be alone but we’re masking another fear or anxiety. For example, we feel like being alone may cause us to miss out on other activities, damage our friendships or make us vulnerable. Some people are afraid of the conflict associated with rejection rather than the final result.

How Does Abandonment Fear Affect Relationships?

Being overly anxious about a partner leaving often negatively impacts the relationship and one's behavior within it. While it's important not to become complacent in a partnership, when anxiety becomes overwhelming, it can cause us to fixate and lose perspective.

Anxiety fosters jealousy and mistrust and can make individuals very demanding of their partner. They may impose unrealistically high expectations on both the person and the relationship. Some individuals become very needy and initiate arguments, which can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy as they push their partner away. Others internalize the fear and become emotionally unavailable to potential or current partners, unable to express their fears and vulnerabilities.

Signs of Attachment Issues

There are some relationship patterns which could potentially be signs of attachment issues.

• Numerous shallow relationships or clinging to one long, intense one

• Self-sabotage

• Emotional unavailability

• Willingness to stay in unhealthy relationships

• Eagerness to please others at the expense of own well being

• Codependent relationships

• Needy behaviour

• People pleasing

• Distrust and jealousy

• Anxiety and panic attacks

• Feeling insecure

• Exhibiting manipulative and controlling behaviour

• Fearing rejection and being risk averse when it comes to relationships

How to Overcome the Fear of Abandonment

If you suspect your partner has abandonment issues, consider discussing it with them gently. Avoid applying too much pressure, as this may cause them to become defensive. Offer support and reassurance without making the situation overwhelming. Acknowledge their feelings while also expressing how their behaviors affect you. Maintain open and honest communication.Couples therapy or consulting a relationship counselor are two highly effective methods to help someone with abandonment issues overcome them and prevent negative impacts on their current relationships.

Hypnotherapy can effectively initiate the healing process. Treatment might also include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to assess thoughts and feelings related to the origins of abandonment fears, manage anxiety or distress, and replace negative thinking with more realistic thoughts while establishing healthy boundaries with others.

Furthermore, therapy assists individuals in working through traumatic events that may have led to feelings of abandonment.