Anger Management
Anger is an important, often misunderstood emotion. Why we could all learn to be more accepting and curious about our anger rather than judging or suppressing it. Burying our anger can bend us out of shape and lead us to suffer both mentally and physically. On the other hand, lashing out and letting our anger spill out all over the place is not exactly an ideal alternative.
Understanding and moving through our anger is something that can take time, patience, and introspection. But what can we do in those immediate instances when we feel triggered? How can we calm ourselves down without glossing over what we’re feeling?
Take five.
While our immediate, most intense emotional reactions are often beyond our control, our physical actions are always in our power. We do ourselves a great service by simply putting time and space between our instant angry response and whatever action we take.
If we notice ourselves feeling stirred up in an interaction, the first thing to do is breathe. Take deep breaths and count to 10. When possible, let the other person know you need a minute. Get outside. Take a walk. Whatever works for you to calm down your nervous system is worth your time.
Of course, this may all sound much easier said than done. Yet, finding just five minutes to turn our attention inward, focusing on ourselves and our emotional state, is often the healthiest first step to processing our anger.
2. Name it to tame it.
This may sound too simple to be useful, but the small act of acknowledging when our anger shows up can help us get through it in a big way. The idea is not to get bogged down in the reasons we’re mad but simply to notice and name whatever we’re feeling.
In addition to calming our brain, naming a feeling helps give us the space we need to sit back and be curious, rather than getting carried away by a wave of emotion. Our ability to identify our reactions allows us to be honest and self-aware, while also making a more conscious choice about how we want to react.
3. Recognize your triggers.
We all have certain things that set us off; maybe it’s a specific type of criticism, a condescending tone, or a feeling of being ignored or overlooked. If we get heated or flooded with emotion, it can be a sign that something older and deeper is being tapped into.
When we feel triggered, we don’t need to instantly identify the exact event from our personal history that may be being stirred. What we can do, however, is recognize that the intensity or degree of our anger may be being exacerbated by our past. By taking a curious approach in these moments, we can write down or make notes of what we think may have set us off. Was it a specific thing someone said? A way we were looked at? A tone?
What words can we associate with the angering event? In her book Hold Me Tight, emotionally focused therapist Dr Sue Johnson poses a list of terms that describe the deeper emotions being awoken in us when we feel triggered. Many people find certain feelings and words resonate with them far more than others. This can help them identify the primal feelings that are underlying their oversized reactions.
As we make a conscious effort to understand our triggers, we get better at noticing when and why they come up. For example, we may notice we feel especially provoked any time our partner nags at us to complete a practical task. At first, this may feel like a rational reaction to annoying behaviour. Yet, why does this specific behaviour
set us off more than others? Is there a meaning we assign to it? For instance, we may have thoughts like: “She thinks I’m an idiot. Why does she remind me all the time to take out the trash like I’m a child?” or “He never gives me a moment’s peace. Why is he so intrusive?”
These types of thoughts and our angry feelings around them can be clues to certain triggers we have inside us that are quick to surface. Maybe we had a parent who was dominating, intrusive, or critical, and as a result, we’re extra sensitive to instruction. Whatever the reason may be, recognizing that we’re being triggered on a deeper level can help us peel away the past from the present.
Of course, we’re all going to experience maddening events many times in our lives, but we can still take hold of those reactions that are elevated by our past. This can help us make sense of our experiences and have more power over our reactions. For instance, in the case of being triggered by a partner’s nagging, we might ask them directly to try to trust us more. We can even share the reason it causes us distress to hear their repeated reminders.
The goal of all three of these practices is to give ourselves the time and space we need to process and make sense of our anger without falling victim to it. By taking a mindful, compassionate, and curious approach to our emotional reactions, we get to know ourselves on a deeper level. We get clues into our past, tools to centre us in the present, and better techniques for handling our anger throughout our lives whenever and wherever it may arise.
